Gemmi

I am finally gainfully employed! Yay! With a Congregation in Orange County, which means I have to move, but not that far. = ] I haven't heard back from the people in North Carolina, and the whole Jewish Holiday bit makes it a bit difficult to know when I will--so do I accept the job or do I wait to hear from North Carolina?

Hmmm?

It doesn't pay much, but I can be frugal. But...I'm employed! Yay!

I am gonna get a small studio apartment, and live on my own, and support myself, and everything that I need to do in order to, ya know, exist.

(ps. I love my icon--it's so shiny and incest-y!) (which is weird, because normally I have a huge problem with Incest fics...but um, yes. The Eppes Brothers are just so hot...)

Note:
My mom has this ability to completely insult my very being because I'm not like my sister and brother. I mean it--I've never been like them. I don't like being surrounded by people, I'm very content with my small circle of friends (even if most of them don't live in the same city as me). But she just--looks at me and its as if she can't wait to be rid of me, even though I know that's not the truth. I mean, how do I tell my mom that major source of most of my problems is her? That she makes me feel so ugly inside and out that I don't like being around her most of the time? I've never been my brother or my sister, I've always been a loner-ish type person. I've adjusted. Ugh.

Anywho, I'm employed. I'm moving. I am going to look into starting grad school eventually at the Hebrew Union College. Yay!

Edit:
Forgot to say--I have a new LJ that I've been using. Primarily fandom related stuff (fanfiction and other squee moments for those that are uninformed) that ya'll should friend. I probably won't update this one nearly as often.

Gemmi999

So, I don't often actually update this thing anymore. Nothing is really happening in my life to merit it (allthough, I find out soon if I got the job in San Jose...).

Anyways, DisneyWorld won't let same-sex couples hold committement ceremonies there, using their services or locations or anything. They hide behind Florida law, saying that if Florida doesn't let same-sex couples get married, they aren't going to hold committement ceremonies for them. This is despite the fact that the annual Gay Days at Disneyworld, which brings in a LOT of money.

Disneyland in California won't let same-sex couples hold committement ceremonies in the rose garden court, apparently *the* place at Disneyland for weddings. And if a couple decides to use their ballrooms, instead of the disney wedding team, offsite managers come in to handle the ceremony.

I like Disney, except for their stereotypical portrayal of women in most of their movies and tv shows. I used to watch the Disney channel, used to go to Disneyland. Now I feel let down by them. I mean, ABC aired the Ellen show (upon which she came out in 1996?). You'd think they'd be a little more gay friendly then that...

Disney Article. Protest this, please?

dear friends

i shall be up in the bay area on the 28th of February. I do not know where or what time or if i'm coming in early or staying overnight. Alas, none of these details are known to me. But, I shall be around, and well...if someone wants to volunteer to pick me up from the airport either that morning or the evening before... feel free. = ]

AKA: got called back for the third round of interviews. I might be employed soon! yay!

So, I was in the Bay Area for the past few days doing a job interview. It went well, and they're bringing me back up for the final interview soonish. If it does well (keep your fingers crossed, people) I get to move back to the Bay Area. I'm leaning towards San Jose, but possibly outskirts of Berkeley. yay!

Um. That is all. I lead a boring life. Hope everyone is doing well. = ]

I'm looking for a specific story. X-Men/Buffy crossover. Immediately post-chosen. The slayer's are staying at a motel, Xander is fixing things around the hotel, the X-men show up for some reason and see the slayer's doing things that are "impossible". They eventually end up back at Xavier's school for the gifted.

Eh. Any clue?

I have gotten a job, working with San Diego Young Judaea. It is part time for now, but it will build. I'm currently in charge of two regions, and it should prove to be interesting and educational, and a starting point.

I watched an episode of Transgeneration tonight as well. I also watched a documentary called Treyf, and I've been reminded about how much I really care about inclusionism within Judaism. Its always been difficult for me to understand my own relationship with G-d, to the point where I wasn't sure if G-d existed. Now, working within the Jewish community, being gay and all that fun stuff, I'm questioning again.

If anyone has any words of wisdom, feel free to pass them along.

I have an interview tomorrow with BBYO Boston, for a full time job (with benefits) and then Friday I have an interview up in LA with the Fund for a fulltime environmental canvassing position. I'm fairly sure I'm going to end up backing out of that interview, but it might be a good experience and yeah. I'll figure it out, I suppose.

Regarding Israel--I don't know what I think about Israel. I don't know, and it scares me. Ugh. Eh, I'll figure it out.

Night, all.

I'm fairly sure I'm pathetic, in terms of living for myself.

I want to rebel and I don't even know how to. I don't want to live in San Diego. I don't want to live in California, really.

I keep thinking that New Mexico might be nice, or something.

How do people do this? I don't really care about what most people think, I'm just scared to death of disappointing my parents. I've always been scared of disappointing them. My mom says she's cool with whatever, but she really isn't. She wants me in a career with a 9 to 5 job that will let me have a small apartment somewhere that I can claim as my own.

I could give a shit about material things. I've never cared. I can give away everything I have and not feel sorry (well, I don't think I want to live on the streets, but I could!) So how do I do this? Do I just walk into a hair place and have them cut it all off?

Do I just walk into a tatoo parlor and get one, and say screw the parents?

Do I move in to one of those places that leases out individual rooms and find a stupid job that pays decently and just start there?

ahhh.

maybe i just drive somewhere and work it out step by step. hmmm. possibly.

So, I hate my life. I've hated my life for the past four years (plus some) and I have no clue how to get out of this rut that I'm stuck in. Any help would be wonderful.

I never wanted to go to college. I went because my parent's expected me to. I wanted to rebel, but because I was the good child that didn't really do anything, I didn't. Instead, I read books/fanfiction and watched tv.

There has to be more to life then tv. THERE has to be.

I don't want to get a job. I have no desire to work a steady job for a steady income. I want to be able to do something, anything, that calls out to me. The problem? Nothing is calling out.

I've been the dutiful girl for so long I don't know how to do anything else. I'm scared to get my hair cut, I'm scared to get a tatoo/tongue piercing. I'm scared to live.

So, how do I start living?

I have no desire to work for Jewish orgs. I have no desire to spend the next couple years telling snotty overprivledged kids that they have to choose between disney land or notts berry farm as the feild trip. POINTLESS and USELESS.

So, wha tdo I do? HELP!

I watched V for Vendetta tonight with my family. I love that movie. Okay, so mainly because I think Natalie Portman is gorgous with a shaved head, but also because of the message, that bullets can't kill an idea. Ideas will still be spread even if the one's speaking are shut down.

My mom commented that she thought the movie hit people over the head with the message, over and over again, which made it less worthy in her mind. I was reminded of Lord of the Flies and The Great Gatsby which were fairly flooded with symbolism, metaphor and imagery. They are taught as classics to this day.

At what point does symbolism become too much--when the message isn't one that people want to hear; when the message is believed to be self evident; when the message is lost amid the confusion?

In other news, Shana Tova to everyone. Happy New Year. May you eat apples and honey to welcome the sweet new year, etc etc. The new year is believed to be symbolic of hope and second chances. In fact, I'm supposed to start forgiving people for the next ten days, and ask for forgiveness, so after Yom Kippur I can enter the sweet new year free of sin, ready to sin again.

I love that idea. It's one of the few jewish traditions I keep. I walk (drive) to the beach and empty my pockets, throwing the old year away. I find it highly beautiful.

I'm listening to music right now, and it's approriate for my mood.


I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind saying
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
daughter to hate a perfect stranger

It's strange--I never wanted to get married. I never thought about it growing up, except for the few times I had to attend weddings of family friends (and most of the time I dreaded those, because I would have to wear a *dress*). I still don't want to get married, ever. It's one of those intrinsic ideals that just never clicked in my mind, like the idea that I would give birth. I know I'll have a family one day, just like I know the children will either be adopted or my partner will carry them.

When I was younger, I didn't know how to express these values. I didn't understand why my personal ideals were so far off the "norm" of society. I had a hard enough time coming to terms with being queer (which is odd, considering how gay and gay friendly my high school experience was). Being even more out of the mainstream by admitting that I had no desire to fit within societies mores--it blew my mind. I covered for this fear by saying I would never get married until everyone could get married, a political statement instead of a personal ideal and fear of being different.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
Chapter 13, verse 11

As I write these words, I'm listening to jewish spiritual music. It's like, religion overload. Anyway.

My mom says that, out of the three of us, I'm the one that doesn't care about society and how they view me. I'm the one that's likely to tell this community to fuck off, to grow a pair and stand up for what is right, instead of what is easy. But my entire childhood was spent in fear, because I didn't understand that being different was okay. I knew intellectually, always have known intellectually, but inside--half the time I'm still convinced I'm running scared.

The reason I consider most of this ironic is because I'm trying to get a job where I'll have influence over certain aspects of society. A job where I'll be able to socialize kids in the way that society currently wants kids socialized. I can put my own spin on most of the issues, but I don't get to choose the battles. I'd have to follow the dictations of above, and hope that they choose to address the issues that I care about.

What are those issues? Equality for people (regardless of political affiliation, personal ideals and identities, nationalities, ethnicities, religions); freedom of speech and thought and press and experience; chance. I want people to be able to be whoever they want to be, even if I disagree with how they live. I want people to be able to say whatever they want to say, from the most vile of hate speech to quoting the bible, to livejournal. But most of all, I want people to have a chance. A chance to experience anything they want to, regardless of economic status, regardless of health and personal problems. I want people to have the chance to live a life they feel is rewarding.

I'm an idealist. I'm also a believer in destiny and fate. I also believe in G-d, and heaven. I can't tell you the number of times that my parents have told me that things happen for a reason. I can't tell you teh number of times I've told myself that things happen for a reason. There is a place for everybody in this world, even if people can't currently access that spot because of bullshit legislation and circumstances (be it poverty, ill health, incarceration, lack of education, responsibilities to self and others). I know there are bad people out there, but I have to think theres a reason, otherwise I'd go insane. And honestly, without the bad, how can anyone know how to appreciate the good?

Yes, yes, cliche. But, honest cliche. I grew up with two of the best parents a person could ask for. We talk about anything and everything (even various people I find hot, which tonight was Natalie Portman, because of V for Vendetta...hot!). They will always accept me. My dad is having a tiny problem with the lesbian thing, but my mom just keeps telling me over and over again that she's fine with it. In different ways each time, but still. In talking with other people, I realize most parents aren't like mine. I remember walking in one vacation during college and talking about how I had tried smoking pot, and didn't like it. I told my mom when I lost my virginity (not how...she doesn't need that many details). I don't think a lot of other people can do that with their parents. If they can, I want to be corrected on this impression. Please tell me if I'm wrong.

The whole reason I brought all of this up is because Brad Pitt made some comment about how he won't get married until everyone can. And I began wondering if he really meant it, or if he was scared of further committement after his last whatever. I'm fairly sure he had a previous girlfriend, somewhere. Don't really want to look it up. I'm learning it's okay to admit to being scared, and I was once upon a time. Now? I've told my parents numerous times that I don't intend to give birth, and that I won't get married. The only reason I'm doing the job thing right now is so I can gain the experience necessary to start my own non-profit up one day.

The world exists. I'm not sure why, or how. Thinking about space and the big bang, and what existed before anything existed--well, frankly it hurts my head. I can't grasp the concept. It doesn't matter. All that matters is what today is, and yesterday, and tomorrow. I like reading fanfiction. It makes me happy. I like to play DDR. It makes me laugh. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, even if we discuss nothing but what exactly happened on Battlestar Galactica last season. I love watching tv with my parents, because its fun. Simple things. Enjoy them.

Night.

so, i got two new calls today regarding jobs.

one for a temple in san diego, looking for someone to run their social action events for youth groups.

the other from a Hillel in Albany, NY -- looking for an engagement associate. If anyone knows what an engagement associate is, feel free to tell me. I have no clue. These people apparently got my resume from someone who sent it out to a bunch of people... hmmm.

That's all.
hope everyone is happy. happy happy, joy joy.

so, I had two job interviews today. both went well. I really like both jobs, hopefully I'll get one of them. = ]

job 1 -- florida. part time youth director, part time program coordinator for jti. sounds good.

job 2 -- here. director of bbyo, san diego region. sounds fun.

final on saturday, then freedom (til job starts).

that is all. bye!

so, i'm alive. = ] my stats class finishes on saturday, and then I get to look full time for a job. I'm looking for jewish youth directorship thingies--so yay. something within the jewish community. i'm in san diego for right now, but might be moving. i lead a boring life. = ] hope everyone is well.

I watched my first episode of "Big Love" tonight, and all that's left is for me to figure out what exactly I think about it. My feelings on polygamy go back a few months, actually, to when I was reading a story that referenced polygamy and creating extended families that all pretty much had orgies with one-another night after night. I didn't understand the attraction of such a situation within the confines of the text, but I finished it doggedly because I wanted to understand why. The story didn't convince me of anything except that, in the eyes of the writer, polygamy with numerous people (both heterosexual and homosexual) should be celebrated. I had trouble understanding that point because at times during the story, the main character would strictly announce he was straight and would never be with another man. Then, a couple chapters later, his best friend decided to give him a blowjob (while he was being intimate with two of his wives) and he just shrugged and accepted the sexual attention.

I don't think polygamy necessarily implies huge orgies. In fact, the rational part of my brain says I shouldn't have any problems with polygamy at all (as long as its between consenting adults who know what they're getting into, and as long as they allow their children the option of therapy if the children have issues with the arrangement). If I have to ask the government permission to marry the woman of my dreams (provided I meet her), which I think is wrong, how can I endorse a government ban on consentual polygamy? Why is it the government's business at all? Does it really matter to them if three people live together, or four, as long as they don't break any laws and pay their taxes? Why does the government have the right to entire private households and question the practices that occur within them?

Big Love is television, and it shows a sensationalized version of polygamy, which I fully realize. It states that the people within the film aren't practicing mormans, and thus teh morman church shouldn't have any issues with the television show. My first response to that is a simple laugh. This television show is completely going to influence the public sphere's opinion regaring the church of latter day saints. It might not be right, but its the truth. And that is my biggest issue that I'm trying to deal with.

I realize that the church probably thinks I should burn in hell for being a lesbian. I still respect their religion and cultural practices because it is necessary witin todays world. Without understanding and acceptance, wars like Iraw happen, and soon to be Iran (damn). I respect people who tell me to my face that I should never be allowed to marry, because of my "sexual perversions". Having the strength to believe in something, in todays world, is by itself an act of extreme faith and humanity. I might not agree with their version of humanity, but I have no right to infringe upon others my own religious doctrine. Seperatism through acceptance sounds fairly, annoyingly, like the segregation movement in the early part of this century and the last.

Which reminds me, racism isn't over. Just yesterday an African American boy was beaten up and sodomized with a lead pipe (he was 16) for daring to kiss a white girl (who was 12). Not even a real kiss, but a sisterly/brotherly one (from sources). This happened in texas. The hospital isn't sure he will recover. This is our world. Fucked up, isn't it?

That's why I think if people can find love, they should take it (as long as its not harmful to other people). Even if that means polygamy is an accepted practice today.

Night all.

I've been a Rosie-phile for a long time. I used to watch her daytime tv show ages ago, and I loved it. I hated admitting I loved it, because it was daytime television, and I was far too cool to admit to that. But, I was, and am. I was amazed when she came out a couple years ago, because I hadn't had any idea. Now she does cruises for glbt families, and I think that's amazing as well. Plus, she is now officially a co-host of The View, which means I can see her five days a week (starting ... next week? eventually?). It hasn't been announced yet, but its happening. And that is enough to get me out of my lack of updating dealio.

I'm off to watch Numbers and various other tv shows. I'm pretty much on break until next Wednesday. = ]

Hope everyone is alive and doing well. Haven't really been keeping up, but I will be soon?

ps. I'm graduating! Officially! Hopefully...

A cool program, gacked from purplemustard (aka Sharon).

Tell Me What You Think.

Hope everyone had a good night. = ]

Two things:

- I'm jealous of Rachel Ray. She is making chocolate covered banana's, and her chocolate melted all nice and smooth and such. When I attempted to make chocolate covered pretzels this winter break, the chocolate melted all goey and um...chunky. The injustice of it all (okay, perhaps not).

- I am debating writing...well, something. Novel/memior like perhaps. My teacher liked my paper, kept commenting on my writing style (how unique it is, and how funny/clear it was). I was already thinking I might want to try writing something, and then this paper arrived (that I totally thought I failed, by the way) and just reinforced my idea.

Okay, back to a life of hiding out away from LJ. = ] Ps. happy belated birthday to Phil (or maybe happy early birthday) (I know its sometime around this time of the month, yes?)

Hey everybody.
I'm currently in a class about feminism in pop culture, which is looking to be interesting. However, this class is not going to be addressing Trans issues as they relate to feminism (specifically whether Feminism actually is accepting of Transgenderism, etc). My professor said if I find articles (academic or newpaper) or other such media displays, she'd devote one class period to discussing this issues. Does anybody have any recommendations for where I should look? Does anybody have any articles or media pieces they'd like to share? Does anybody have anything at all that remotely ties into this issue?

Thanks, in advance!
Sam

My mom had a rough night last night--they put her on a resperater and her blood pressure dropped significantly. My brother woke us up early this morning and told us to be ready for the hospital--the way he sounded, we all thought it was going to be the worst day of our lives. She's not that critical, it seems, however. A lot of her problems were expected, but the nurse on duty didn't feel comfortable caring for her so my mom was transferred to a different unit. She's going to be in the ICU for at least two more days, probably. After that, its lot and lots and lots of hospital recoperation. I'm just so happy that she's stable.

I'm off to read a book and fall asleep. Waiting around a waiting room, stressed, really takes a lot out of you. *nods*

My mommy relapsed today-- there was a leak around a couple of her stitches that were holding her colon together and fecal matter leaked into the abdominal cavity and out her incision. She had surgery yet again, and is going to be in the hospital for at least another two weeks. Prior to this, the doctors were talking about her coming home tomorrow.

I'm thinking about taking incompletes for teh rest of teh quarter and taking my finals in teh early part of next quarter so I can stay home and close to her. The idea of leaving scares me to death -- If I had left earlier today, I wouldn't have been here for the surgery. Who knows if something else is going to come up and I want to be RIGHT HERE when/if that does happen.

I feel like I'm about to break down. And I can't find my cell phone, damnit!